my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
