She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
