One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
