just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
