I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
