That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
