this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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