I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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