my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
