WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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