The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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