and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
