I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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