i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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