my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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