fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
did you just send me my own nude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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