Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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