Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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