she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
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I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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