The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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