woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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