It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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