Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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