I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
