I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
