highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
