had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
