My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
