wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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