I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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