I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
