i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
