just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
