I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
