I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
