I'm drive I can fine osifer
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
