just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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