my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
