No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Still dying that you shit outside
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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