____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
