I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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