i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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