I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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