She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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