i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
