I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
