it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
