i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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