I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
