4 words: hood of his car
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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