areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
