if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Everyone says I win the strip club
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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