listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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