My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
