I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
