Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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