My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
