Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's the barista slut.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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