There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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