We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
