Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
